


Shared Lives

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Drama/Romance, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 05:52:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/794599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a five year separation, Jim and Blair begin to create a life together.<br/>Sequel to History and Exile.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shared Lives

DISCLAIMER: Pet Fly Productions and UPN own the copyrights. I'm just playing with them, getting them out a little. I promise to play nice and put them away when I'm done. 

WARNING: NC-17 for graphic depiction of m/m sex, and some (mild) angst. No minors or congresspersons allowed. If you're not old enough, or not into this sort of thing, SHOO! 

Note: This is the third and final chapter in the History Trilogy. Thanks to my listsibs for the interest and the push to make this a "complete" story. I recommend you read the first two, "History" and "Exile (A Revisionist's View of History)" before this one, otherwise it might not make much sense. Comments are warmly welcomed and much appreciated. Feel free to share this with whomever you please, just don't make any money off of it since I can't, and keep the headers at the top. Copyright for the story belongs to me. 

This was a *really* difficult piece for me to write, which is why there was such a delay. The boys really had some issues to work through after their separation, as you will see. It was an awkward, stop and start kind of exercise, kind of like most reunions after time spent apart. I'm drawing on my own 'history' as a military wife, and some of the separations my husband and I went through (the longest being 15 months while he was in Korea). We didn't even have to contend with some of the factors Jim and Blair did, and we had some difficulty readjusting. 

Enjoy reading! 

## Shared Lives (Making History Together)

by Kim Gasper  
Copyright June 1997  


They sat across from each other in the booth--the same booth Jim had vacated only a few minutes before. The waitress brought them a pot of Kenya Roast and Blair saw the look of gratitude that Jim flashed her. She smiled at them, then left them alone with their coffee and each other. 

"So." Blair poured some coffee and added sugar, stirred the spoon round and round the cup. Now that he was here, finally looking at Jim, all the things he'd wanted to tell him for so long had flown out of his mind. 

"When did you did get back into town?" 

Blair sighed. "About six weeks ago." 

"Were you planning on ever telling me?" Jim didn't *look* angry, but Blair recognized the calm face for what it was. Okay, maybe not angry...just...majorly irritated. 

"I don't know, man. It's so complicated." He looked up, staring at the man he'd loved for the last six years of his life--five of them in self-imposed exile--and felt tears gather in his eyes. He blinked rapidly to clear them away, and his gaze dropped to Jim's left hand. Jim's bare left hand. "What happened?" Blair pointed at the absence of a ring. 

"It didn't work out. I tried...at first. Then it got to the point where I didn't care anymore, and I just let it go." Jim absently rubbed the spot on his finger where the band had been. "Why's it complicated, Chief?" 

The gentle usage of that nickname that had come to mean so much to him nearly unhinged the younger man. He felt his throat tighten up around the words and swallowed heavily to make room for them. "I figured you'd still be married, and I--" 

"Blair." A large warm hand reached across the table and gripped his. "I--" Jim stopped and swallowed too, then released Blair's hand and sat up straight. "This is too public. C'mon." He shoved himself out of the booth, and headed for the cashier. Blair sat for a moment, then pushed out after him. 

To his surprise, Jim was driving a Chevy, rather than the Fords he'd had before. A Chevy Jumper...new version of the Blazer. Blair had seen the commercials for one not too long ago, as he reacquainted himself with television. He climbed into the passenger side like he'd always done and was hit with the oddest feeling of deja vu. In some ways it was like he'd never left; in others he was still waiting to come home. 

Jim was silent during the short drive and Blair didn't feel much like breaking the silence either. He felt a strange stirring inside him when they pulled onto Prospect, and his stomach began turning somersaults when Jim turned into the lot used for parking. 

Jim parked the truck then turned to Blair. "I hope you're okay with this. I should have asked if it was all right." Blair pushed a hand back through his curls and Jim felt his heart jump at the oh-so-familiar gesture. 

"No, it's okay. I'm just... feeling weird right now." 

Ellison nodded in understanding. He was feeling a little odd himself. "Come on--I've got coffee, and beer upstairs." He led the way up and Blair followed, feeling as though his heart was going to pound through his chest. 

Jim opened the door to the loft and Blair stepped inside. Instantly he was transported back in time; nothing had changed. Well, almost nothing. The atmosphere was different...more melancholy than it had been before. Otherwise, everything remained as he remembered it. He stood there in the doorway looking around, feeling the memories beginning to wash over him. Lash and Brackett breaking in to wreck their own brand of mayhem; he and Jim working on a test to further sharpen and control Jim's senses; the TV reporter who'd snuck up to their door at six in the morning; Jim accepting his unconditional offer of friendship after returning from Peru. He and Jim twined together on the floor, sharing their love for each other with each other the night before Jim pledged himself to someone else. So many memories, so much time spent together. So much still unsaid and undone. Blair swallowed heavily and closed his eyes, determined not to give in to the overwhelming emotions flowing through him. 

A strong pair of arms wrapped around him in a rough embrace and he leaned against the broad chest, body shaking with the sobs that were welling up from inside him. "So long, Jim. I've l-loved you for s-so long..." 

Jim stroked the curly hair that was still like silk beneath his fingertips and held the shaking body tightly. His own cheeks were wet with tears he hadn't realized he was shedding. "I know, Chief. Shhh...it's okay. You're here...shhh...." He made quiet, soothing noises and stroked Blair's back, rubbing in gentle circles until the smaller man gained a measure of control; then he pulled back, at the same time tilting Blair's face up to his. "You okay?" 

Blair nodded and managed a tremulous smile. "I think so." He stared into Jim's eyes, seeing there an echo of the emotions still swirling through his body. "Sorry about that--it just got to be kind of overwhelming." 

"I understand--I really do. I'm fighting the urge to do the same thing." 

Blair raised a finger to the wet cheeks. "Looks like you did," he replied softly, tracing that finger through the moisture there, moving down to trace the outline of Jim's lips. 

Jim closed his eyes at the shiver that raced through him with that light touch. "Let's sit on the couch--at least we can be comfortable while we do this," he tugged slightly on Blair's arm. 

Blair settled himself while Jim went to get them each a beer, and watched this man who'd occupied so many of his thoughts for so long. Still the same, yet different. Jim was still in good shape, physically. His body had the same hard, strong look that he'd always had. A little less hair, maybe. More lines etched on his face. All the feelings that he wouldn't allow to surface showed on those fine features, like lines carved into a smooth granite surface. And yet, Blair reflected watching him, at the same time that was an inaccurate description. To say Jim was cold, hard as stone was totally, wholly wrong. There was warmth, a vibrancy to the man. As if, as Blair had noted in the past, he couldn't be contained by a mere physicality. That vibrancy was subdued now, but Blair suspected it had more to do with the emotional currents swirling through the two of them than anything else. 

A hand waved in front of his face and Jim handed a beer to him. "Deep thoughts?" 

"No," Blair began. "Well, maybe. I dunno--I was thinking about you." 

"Mmmm." Jim toed his shoes off and sat down on the couch next to Blair, bodies close but not really touching. "Guess they can't be too deep then." 

Blair made a noncommittal noise and took a drink of his beer; the cold, bitter liquid tasted good flowing down the back of his throat. He leaned his head against the back of the couch and closed his eyes. A gentle movement next to him snagged his attention and he turned his head to regard Jim, who'd shifted to sit and study him. "You know how long I dreamed about seeing you again?" Blair could hear the wavering quality to his voice and took another drink of the beer. 

"About as long as I dreamed about seeing *you*, I would imagine." Jim continued to study him, then reached a hand out to brush a lock of hair from the younger man's eyes. "I can't believe you're here. I used to check the directory periodically," the bigger man continued, not noticing how wide Blair's eyes got, "just to see if you'd blown back into town yet. I even called Rainier once--but you weren't listed on their roster, and they wouldn't give me anymore information." The hand that had stroked Blair's hair gently cupped his face, fingers caressing slightly. 

Blair leaned his cheek into the caress. "I stayed with the study for the whole time. We got additional grants for study and thought that it was worthwhile to stay there. Man, the tribe we were studying had a sentinel. I gathered so much data..." Blair trailed off, closing his eyes against the remembered pain of meeting that man. The continued feelings of missing his own sentinel had been so overwhelming that day... He opened his eyes to find clear blue-gray regarding him closely. "I missed you so bad, Jim," he finished hoarsely. 

"Ditto for me, partner," Jim whispered, leaning close enough to brush a whisper soft kiss across Blair's lips. He pulled back to continue his gentle caressing of Blair's face, watching the younger man's expressive eyes. "You can't know what an ass I felt like...knowing how you--how *we*--felt, letting you go like that. I should never have gotten married. Sharon--" Jim choked off his words, not wanting to ruin the quiet moment. 

"Sharon what? Did something? Said something? What?" Blair reached up and held Jim's hand close against his cheek, turned and kissed the palm. "You can tell me, Jim. I promise it can't be as bad as you think it is." 

Ellison shook his head. "I felt sorry for her," he spoke after a moment. "I think she knew...something. Not necessarily specifics, but you have to admit, you disappearing at the same time the wedding happening...Hell, Simon commented on it once or twice before I told him to mind his own business." 

Blair smiled at the thought of Jim telling Simon that, then brought himself back to the conversation. "You still did the right thing, Jim. No matter how it affected us--could you imagine how that could have come between us?" He watched his friend struggle inwardly with that for a moment then continued, "I never wanted to hurt either one of us. You weren't supposed to know how I felt--I figured it would be so easy to just scoot out of the country... Then that damn bachelor's party..." Blair broke off, thoughts of that night pouring into his head. His fingers tightened their grip on his leg, trying to sublimate some of the pain and desire that those memories still brought. 

"Easy, Chief." Jim's whisper was hot against his ear. "It's okay- -we're both here, now..." 

Blair looked up into clear eyes that were sparkling with love and unshed tears. "Yes, we are," he whispered, just before Jim's mouth covered his own. 

It was a tender kiss--soft, gentle, restrained. Jim's mouth explored Blair's lovingly, searching and tasting. Both men could sense the passion being held in check and felt the need for each other, but neither was ready to take that step yet. They parted, eyes warm, lips moist, breathing a little faster. 

Jim smiled. "I love you, Blair Sandburg." 

"Oh!" Pleased surprise on the beautiful face. "I love you too, Jim Ellison." Blair shook his head, laughing. "It feels so good to say that...I love you, Jim." He sighed. "Man, talk about empowering. I don't think I've ever said anything that meant as much to me as that does." 

Jim regarded him for a moment, eyes growing serious again. "Will you...stay with me? Here? You don't have to," he hurried when Blair's eyes darkened slightly. "But I'd like you to." 

"I--I'm..." Blair shook his head. "Overwhelmed would be a good place to start, man. Are you sure?" 

"Positive, Chief." Jim leaned back against the couch, hand reaching for Blair's. He twined their fingers together and caressed the tanned back of Blair's hand with his thumb. "And I don't just mean for tonight, either." 

The smaller man's eyes opened wide. "You mean...move in with you?" 

"Again, something you don't have to do if you're not comfortable." 

Blair shook his head. "I'm fine...I've...Are you sure?" 

Jim drained his bottle then nodded. "Yes. I've had a long time to think about this--wonder what, or how, I would feel when and if you finally came home...and this is where I want you. Here, in this loft, in my life." 

'When and if you finally came home...' Home. Blair smiled. He was home--for the first time in over five years.   
  


* * *

They took a break then; Jim to get them each another beer, Blair to use the bathroom. Jim excused himself then for the same reason and Blair went and fiddled with the stereo, sure that there would be something on one of the stations that could help ease them through this reacquaintment period. An oldies station, playing hits from the '70s, seemed like a good choice. 

Jim smiled at him upon hearing the music and gestured them back to the couch. "Can I hold you? I...want to touch you...but I'm feeling a little..." he broke off helplessly, not sure how to continue. 

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Sure, Jim. How do you want me?" He nearly blushed when the words exited his mouth, looked to find Jim smiling at him. 

"Here," Jim sat himself down and pulled the younger man down between his outstretched legs, bodies pressed together back to chest. 

"Nice," Blair remarked, settling himself between the hard thighs. He tried not to remember what else lay there...neither one of them was ready for that step yet. He sighed and leaned back against the muscled chest, faintly hearing Jim's heart thudding behind him. "I could probably stay here forever." 

"Good--'cause I plan for you to do that." 

"What, *right* here?" Blair teased gently. "That could get awkward--not to mention we'd get hungry." 

Jim tightened his hold on Blair's hands. "You'd be surprised how little food a body can manage on," he said, striving for a light tone. 

"No, I wouldn't," Blair answered, voice serious again. "But I think I might be by how *you* know." 

"Just a little depression after--Sharon and I got back. When it hit me you were...gone." 

Blair tilted his head back against Jim's chest to look up at the bigger man. "Don't tell me you starved yourself." 

"Not intentionally. I just--kept forgetting to eat, stuff like that. And I..." 

"You what?" Blair gripped the hands back, both sets of knuckles were white. 

"I had some zone-outs." 

"*SOME*?" The pitch and volume of his voice rose; he couldn't help it. Any more than he could help the way his blood pressure was now off the scale. 'Breathe, Sandburg...c'mon, you can do it...' "How many is *some*, Jim?" 

Ellison cleared his throat. "I wasn't keeping track, of course, but Simon told me one time I averaged about three a week for that period." 

"WHAT??" 

"Calm down, babe. This was *years* ago." Jim let go with one hand and raised it to stroke the suddenly sweaty forehead leaning against him. He could hear Blair's heart pounding and regretted saying anything. 

"God, Jim...I'm...I--" Blair broke off, completely at a loss for words. "I don't know what to say. You could have been killed...and it would have been my fault." 

"How d'you figure? You weren't even here." 

"That's my point. I had no business taking off in a snit because...because I couldn't deal with things. I was--I *am*--your Guide. I should have been here for you." He was silent for a long time, then asked, "How long did this last?" 

Jim sighed and answered quietly, "Nearly a year." 

Blair closed his eyes against the pain that surrounded his heart then. "So long..." He tipped his head backward again. "How'd you...you know. Get through them? Get out of them?" 

"Simon's a crafty bastard when he wants to be. Hauled my ass into his office and told me I was going to have a partner and I was going to like it, *and* I was going to tell that partner about my senses." 

"Oh, man," Blair said, equal parts approval, admiration and disbelief in his voice. "*That* I would have liked to have seen. What'd you do?" 

"Well, I flat-ass refused at first, and he put me on desk duty. Told me if I wasn't smart enough to know I couldn't handle the streets by myself--never mind the rest of it and that was the first time he asked me about you--then he wasn't going to *put* me on the streets, that I'd be a hazard to others besides myself." 

"Whoa." 

"Yeah. Didn't sit well, believe me. I think he knew that too, before he gave me the ultimatum. In the end Brown, Ryf and I worked out a "double-single" that worked pretty well--and Simon and I told both of them." 

"Both? Really? How'd they react?" Blair could feel Jim smile into his hair. 

"Pretty much like most people would, at first. But I had the video stuff you'd left with me, as well as a copy of your dissertation-- they were *floored* when we went out and did some 'field' exercises." 

Blair snickered. "I take it you blew their socks off." 

"More or less," Jim said in a slightly smug tone. "They read through all the material, watched the videos several times, then declared themselves equal to the challenge of 'babysitting' me." 

"Ouch." 

"I made 'em eat their words." His tone wasn't light or teasing and Jim felt Blair tense against him again. 

"What happened?" 

"I had a major zone-out about two weeks after I 'came out'," Jim smiled as Blair's body relaxed slightly as he responded to the pun. "Neither one recognized it at first...and nearly got all of us blown away at the time. After that they were a little more...appreciative...of the dangers." 

"Are you guys still working that setup?" 

"Yeah. We've gotten pretty close, work *almost* as well together as you and I did." 

"Do I have competition?" Blair smiled, tilting back again. 

"Never," Jim assured him, leaning down for a kiss. 

This one felt more natural, less restrained. They both smiled when they drew apart. 

"God, Jim," Blair said when his breathing was under control again. "You kiss pretty good for an old guy." 

Jim sputtered for a minute, then cuffed Blair gently upside the head. "Old, huh? Which one of us has the gray in his hair, Professor?" 

"Only 'cause you don't have enough to show the gray, partner. Hey! No fair...hair grabbing does *not* get brownie points with the teacher." Blair grabbed hold of Jim's hands, trying to release the long strands his friend was holding. 

""S not fair to make comments about my lack of hair either, but you did it," Jim pointed out reasonably. 

They relaxed into an easy silence after that, content to sit and hold each other for a while. After a time, Blair dozed off--his body was still adjusting to different climate, time, altitude; he still tired more easily than he used to, but not as badly as six weeks before. 

Jim sat, content just to hold the sleeping man in his arms. He'd waited for so long, endured so much pain and loneliness for this... He shook his head. *He* hadn't endured shit compared to what Blair had given up for him. He'd all but gone into exile for nearly five years--and for what? So that Jim could marry the wrong person simply because of some antiquated code of honor? That was so much bullshit. He wasn't honorable, he was a coward at heart. Regardless of what Blair said, he liked to believe that they would have overcome any problems raised by leaving Sharon at the alter. 

He sighed. It was a moot point now; very little point or purpose in rehashing it. He settled back and listened to the quiet sounds of his Guide--his lover--sleeping.   
  


* * *

Jim was dozing when Blair stirred from his nap. He lay there against the bigger man, truly content for the first time in five years, wondering who he should be thanking for this wonderful twist of fate. 

His stomach growled then--loudly--and he felt Jim move beneath him, stretching. 

"Hey, Chief. Nice nap?" 

"Yeah. You?" 

"Yeah. I don't remember dozing off. What time is it?" 

Blair checked his watch. "Quarter after five. That explains why I'm hungry. How 'bout you?" 

Jim nodded. "Yeah, I could go for something to eat. What're you in the mood for?" 

A shrug. "Whatever. What'd you have in mind?" 

"Want to go for Chinese? A new restaurant opened a couple of years ago that has great Lo Mein and Egg Foo Young." 

Blair laughed. Jim's two favorites on the Chinese menu. "Sure, sounds good." He scooted off the couch, stretched and yawned. "We can stop by my place and I can get some things...unless you've changed your mind?" 

"Absolutely not. You ready to go?" 

"Yeah...hang on...okay." Blair wrapped his jacket tightly around his body, shivers already beginning despite the fact that they weren't even outside yet.   
  


* * *

During the drive across town Blair shared with Jim some of his talks with the tribal chieftain and healer and some of his thoughts about those talks. Particularly the degrading of the bond between Sentinel and Guide. 

"I didn't understand what he meant at the time...other than to hope that the bond did degrade--'cause it was killing me to live without you. But now...after what you told me about the zone-outs...I wonder." 

"Yeah?" 

"Well, the bond between us would be affected in different ways. For me, it was obviously my inability to forget you, to quit aching for you. For you, it was sublimated into zone-outs. Your senses were overloading because you couldn't focus the concentration or filter out distractions. Mainly, me. Or rather, missing me." 

Jim nodded. "Makes sense, actually. Your focus in this whole project was *guiding* me, so that when it fell apart, you were lost without that person to guide. Needed them, wanted them. In my case, my focus has always been sensory control...with the bond breaking down, I lost that." 

"Guess that means I can't ever go away again, huh?" Blair tried to tease, but the words came out strained and husky. 

"I hope you never feel the need to leave again. And if you have to for any reason--like academic--well, buy an extra ticket. I'm not letting you out of my sight again." 

Blair smiled at his friend. "I wasn't planning on leaving anytime in, say, this century." 

"I'm serious, Sandburg." 

"I am too, Ellison." 

Jim cast a glance over at the younger man. He had the most intense expression on his face. "I know," he muttered. "It's just...real close to the surface, still. It was just this morning I got you back again..." 

"I know, Jim." Blair reached a hand out, laid it on the other man's leg. "I *know*. I woke up this morning, looked at the calendar, and thought 'shit--it's today, a whole day'll be wasted'." 

"Wasted?" 

Blair sighed. "I've had a...problem...with May fifth for a while now. Generally the day is a wash for me. I was out walking around, trying to shake the blues a little when I ran into you." He laughed, now. "Literally. Man, that was like so 'Twilight Zone'. I'd wondered how long it would be--and where we'd be if it happened--'til I ran into you somewhere." 

"Guess fate was conspiring on our behalf after all, huh." 

Blair arched an eyebrow. "Fates conspiring, hmm? Since when do *you* subscribe to that?" 

"Never. But it's hard to keep denying it based on factual evidence." 

"Man, you sound like a detective or something." 

Jim snorted. "Yeah, that's why they pay me the big bucks." He turned the truck into a small strip mall and gestured. "It doesn't look like much...but they've got great food." 

Blair laughed, a genuine sound of amusement. "Looks great to me. You should've seen some of the places *I've* eaten in the last five years!"   
  


* * *

Dinner was pleasant. Good food and each other's company. Light conversation that didn't really hinge on *them*. Jim caught Blair up on the lives of the people down at the precinct; laughed at the younger man's expression when told that Darryl would be starting med school in the fall and just in general filled him in. Blair shared his plans for the fall semester and outlined some ideas he had on different directions to go with the areas he was going to be teaching. He talked about his upcoming job this summer, working with the kids who needed extra help getting ready for college--most of the GED candidates. He ended with, "It's only a part-time job...but should be enough to get me by until the real thing kicks in this fall." 

Jim had leaned back in his chair, watching in delight at the animation on his friend's face as he talked, gesturing wildly. Yes, the curly brown/auburn hair was longer, but not outrageously so. There was some gray threading through the shining strands and though not a lot, Jim couldn't help but wonder how much of it he had put there. The glasses seemed to be more of a permanent fixture now too and he asked Blair about that. 

"Well...too many nights trying to read and write by firelight," the younger man grinned at him. 

"Seriously, Chief." 

"I am serious, man. I had a perfectly good shelter, with a perfectly good gas-light...but it was more fun to sit around the campfire. The opthomologist I saw when I processed back in said that some of the damage can be undone--I just have to 'rest' my eyes a couple of times a day and not strain them any further. Some of the damage though *is* permanent, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. All I can do is wear my glasses and try to give my eyes a break." 

Jim studied him for a long moment. "Well, you look like a teacher- -" 

Blair smiled. "Comes with the territory." 

"--*but*, you're probably the sexiest teacher I've ever seen." The final portion of the comment was delivered in a low voice and Jim smiled to see Blair flush slightly. 

"Uh, thanks, man." 

"Whatsa matter, forget how to take compliments?" Jim leaned forward and gently stroked the younger man's thigh under the table. 

"I've never been real good at them...Jim!" Blair squeaked the last word of the sentence, looked around, then pushed away from the table. "C'mon, you're getting too frisky for public, buddy." 

"Can't be too frisky around you, Chief." Nevertheless, Jim stood up, dropping some bills on the table. 

Blair frowned. "You could at least let me get the tip, you know." 

"Doesn't matter--you get charge of the cooking detail again." Jim smirked at Blair. 

"Only 'cause you don't want to poison me now that you've found me." 

"Hah! For your information, smartass, I've gotten pretty good at cooking." 

Blair waited by the door while Jim paid, studying his friend. "Boiling water doesn't count, Jim. Neither do T.V. dinners." 

The older man shook his head. "That's a pretty low opinion you have of me, you know." 

"Truth hurts, man." Blair dodged a playful hand and headed for the Chevy. "Hey, don't forget, we need to stop at my place." 

"Right." 

The beginning of the drive was silent as both men adjusted once again to each other. Blair's brain was in overdrive--on the one hand he wanted to simply *absorb* Jim into himself, on the other he wanted to pull back, move away. It was frightening, after all that time, to be able to *be* close like this. Especially since, through all their talking today, there was still a five year gap they had to bridge. 

Jim shifted in his seat slightly and changed the radio station. He turned surreptitiously to look at Blair; the younger man appeared to be lost in his thoughts. This shift back and forth was going to kill him. Every time he thought they were getting comfortable with each other one of them would say or do something that skewed the whole thing. Comfortable, awkward. Awkward, comfortable. It was a weird dance, but that's what they were doing. Two steps forward, one step back. Finally, desperate to break the silence that was beginning to grow stifling, Jim cleared his throat and asked, "Did you find someone?" 

"For what?" 

Jim rolled his eyes. "Did you find *someone*. To be with. You know." 

Blair sighed. He'd been hoping to have another day or so before having to deal with this. It wasn't like he didn't want Jim to know; or even that he'd cheated on Jim--how did you 'cheat' on a man who you left so he could marry the woman he'd proposed to? It was just going to be one more awkward thing for them to vault over for the next few days. "Yeah," he said finally, "I did." 

"And?" 

"And it didn't work out." Blair turned and looked out the window, remembering with a strange pang the anger and hurt when Randy had left him. 

Jim turned into a small drive and Blair was startled to see them pulling into Rainier Park. When the engine was switched off, Blair turned in puzzlement to his friend. Jim answered the question in his eyes, "It's early yet--we don't have to be anywhere. Let's sit here a while, do our talking. Someplace different..." 

"Okay." 

There was a long pause, then Jim cleared his throat. "Why didn't it work out?" 

Blair gave a sharp bark of laughter. Funny how it still hurt, even a year later. "His family needed him." 

"Oh." Jim watched Blair, trying to read the expressions on his face. "Did you love him?" he asked softly. 

"I--Yeah," he sighed, staring out the windshield. "I didn't think I'd ever love anyone after you...the hurt from having to leave you went so deep, was so strong, that I didn't think it was possible. But Randy--that was his name--he kind of snuck in when I wasn't looking." Blair shifted his gaze from the trees to Jim. "I didn't love him like I love you...I'll never feel *that* for anyone else. But I could have stayed with him and been content." 

"Then he was a fool to throw away your love," Jim growled, pulling an astonished Blair to him, mouth seeking out the younger man's heat and sweetness. 

The kiss contained all the pain, longing and frustration that Jim had held inside for the last five years. He licked across Blair's lips, probing with his tongue until the younger man opened his mouth, greeting him with a stroke of hot velvet. Their tongues dueled sweetly, caressing and teasing one another, tasting the secrets of the dark, moist caverns. 

Blair encircled Jim's neck with his arms, pressing a hand against the back of his neck, guiding him closer. He shifted to get as close to Jim as possible, growling low in his throat when he wasn't able to press himself against the large, hot body. 

Jim heard the animal noises from Blair's throat and smiled against his mouth, pulling away slightly. He smoothed a hand down Blair's back when his friend whimpered, then bent slightly to press soft, sucking kisses along the tender skin under Blair's jawbone. A low moan followed and Jim kissed a trail up to the tempting earlobe, still adorned with little silver hoops. No, he amended as he suckled the lobe, there were two hoops and a small knot of some kind...three earrings. He pulled back when Blair pushed at his chest. 

"Jim! We're making out like teenagers--man, it's still daylight out," his lover--could he still call him that?--hissed. 

"Yeah?" 'Breathe, Ellison...pull it together.' "So?" 'Okay...single syllables are all right...lets try putting two together for the next word...' 

"So...don't you think we should be a little more...discreet?" 

"No--I don't. Do you?" 

Blair shrugged. "I'm not a cop, man." 

Jim echoed the shrug. "I don't care. The person I love is a man...well, it's no one's business but my own, I suppose, so to hell with everyone else." 

"I just don't want you doing anything that's going to hurt you, or your career." Sandburg leaned back against the seat, still breathing heavily. 

"I'm not worried about that. People will either accept me or not...and I suspect that a lot of them knew--know--how I feel about you. Don't worry about it, okay?" 

"Okay," Blair acquiesced reluctantly. "I just want you to be sure you know what you're getting into, Jim. This is--" he gestured largely, not sure what he was trying to say. 

"Would this have been a problem before? Would you have held back because of what people's reactions might have been? I think this is another result of me being a coward. We have to deal with things that might not have been such an issue for us before. No, listen, okay?" Jim held a hand up to forestall protests. "Regardless of what you say, I think that I--we--were wrong, I should have just called Sharon up, told her the wedding was off. It happens to lots of people every day. We'd have been better off, I think." Jim sat back, figuring he'd covered the important points. 

Blair sighed. "Can I say something now?" He waited for the other man's nod before beginning. "It would have been an issue for me then, Jim--actually, it was. A straight man, a cop no less, taking a man for a lover? Why do you think I tried so hard to hide it? But it doesn't really matter now, does it? What we did five years ago. I think what we're feeling is the anxiety of being together again. Jim, we were friends--best friends--for two years. We were lovers for *one* *night*. And we've built a relationship--in our minds--based on that one night. I don't know about you, but I'm scared to death right now. Scared that I won't measure up to the Blair in your memory...hell, I'm scared that *you* won't measure up to the Jim in *my* memory. And I don't know where to go with this...or what to do about it," he finished in a quiet tone. 

Jim held an arm out and Blair moved in closer, cuddling into the solid, warm body. He felt safe, cherished...loved. A large hand smoothed its way up and down his arm, cupping and releasing as it went. He snuggled further into the embrace, listening to the quiet thud of Jim's heart. 

"I love you, Blair. I loved you for a long time before the night we made love...and even if I thought it was just as friends, I suspect I knew it was more, and was simply denying it. Do you remember what I said the day I told you Sharon and I were getting married?" He felt a brush against his chest and knew Blair had nodded. "I meant it, you know. Even then, I knew that the only thing that could make us closer than we were was sleeping together. You *are* the missing part of me--the missing part of my soul. I'm not a complete person without you. Yeah, we've made up this relationship in our minds, but baby, it was all we had. I want more now, I want it all. I want *you*. I'm scared, too. But we'll make it. I know we will." 

Blair looked up at Jim, eyes shining. "Man, that was beautiful. *You're* beautiful. I love you, too." 

"Now," Jim leaned in to kiss Blair gently, briefly, "Let's get going. It's starting to get late and it's been a hell of a day. Good, but exhausting. How do I get to this apartment of yours?" 

Blair gave him directions, then cuddled back as close as seatbelts would allow. Jim kept an arm across his shoulders, fingers rubbing gentle circles on Blair's upper arm.   
  


* * *

Blair ran inside his apartment while Jim waited out in the truck, heater going now against the chill of the unseasonably cool spring evening. He gathered a couple of changes of clothing and toiletries, not sure what the game plan was. Five minutes later he was back in the truck, mouth opening under Jim's as he was greeted with an enthusiastic kiss. 

"I'm gonna have trouble going back to work come Monday," Jim muttered as he pulled the Chevy back out into traffic. 

"Why's that?" Blair once again cuddled as close as he could get, his hand resting on Jim's thigh, gently caressing the hard muscle beneath soft skin. 

"Cause I don't think I can stand the thought of letting you out of my sight again--ever." 

"I think you're going to have to, eventually," Blair said, rubbing soothing circles on the denim-covered leg. "We can't be joined at the hip, you know." 

"Why not? People used to think we were." 

"Yeah, but that was then...this is now." 

"So what's changed?" 

Blair sighed heavily. "Everything, man. You, me, our situation. You've got a job...I have a job--well, I'll have one this fall, anyway." 

"You had a job before...and you were still my Guide." 

"Do you need me with you on a daily basis? Truthfully? Or is it just the feelings we're having right now...intensified because of the separation?" 

"Don't you want to be with me?" 

"You know that answer to that, Jim," Blair's voice sharpened slightly. 

"I thought I did...but you're acting...strange." 

"No, I'm being realistic. Man, you gotta know, the thought of *ever* being separated from you again, no matter for how long, is tearing me up inside. But somewhere along the way we have to be practical about this." 

"I'm trying," Jim replied, an edge of anger in his voice. 

"Let's do this," Blair stroked Jim's leg again, gentle touches from thigh to knee and back. "Let's see how the next couple of days go...take it day by day, then decide what we want to do, how we need to proceed. Okay?" 

Jim settled his hand over Blair's, stilling it, squeezed gently. "Okay. I'll try that." He paused, a rueful smile breaking across his face. "You're probably right, you know? About the feelings being so intense right now because we've just found each other again. I actually hope things calm down some, because I feel like I'm going to explode or something, from all the emotions in me right now." 

"I know, Jim. I feel the same way." Blair shook his head. "It was just this morning...almost afternoon, really. Less than twelve hours that we've been back together." 

"Yeah." Jim squeezed Blair's hand again, thumb caressing the hand he was holding. "Love you, Chief." 

"I love you." 

The rest of the drive was marked by a quiet, comfortable silence, as the two men returned to the state of peace they'd experienced earlier in the day.   
  


* * *

It was late when they arrived back at the loft. Well, not so late as just late for *them*, worn out from the intense, unrelenting emotions of the day. 

They'd made one last stop for some gas and some milk for breakfast in the morning, Jim's comment being, "we'll have to get groceries for real this weekend," then went home. 

'Home,' Blair reflected as Jim unlocked the door. Baring his return this morning, this hadn't been his home in over five years. But it felt right to be here and he stepped gladly into Jim's embrace when the door closed behind them. 

This time he took the role of aggressor, setting the pace of the kiss, moving his body against Jim's. The large man trembled beneath his hands, body shaking from desire and, if he felt the same as Blair, fear as well. Their mouths met and melded, warm and wet combining into one sensation until they were drowning in it, clinging to each other to prevent being swept into the abyss. Evidence of their arousal pressed against each other, erections half-formed, firming quickly. Blair guided Jim's hand down to touch him while he sought out his lover's, touching gently, stroking. They stood there for some time, bodies undulating in a slow rhythm; hands, lips and tongues renewing their brief acquaintance. 

They drew back at last, two sets of eyes dark with passion and love, chests heaving with the effort to bring their breathing under control. Not wanting to lose the contact, Blair hugged Jim close, just holding him. Large hands rose to stroke the long curls, fingers combing through over and over as the bigger man lost himself in the sensation. Blair closed his eyes and allowed himself to sway against Jim as the gentleness and tenderness of the action transmitted itself to his body...he hadn't been soothed and caressed in a long time. 

"Let's go to bed," a husky voice whispered his ear, warm breath tickling the sensitive skin there. 

He pulled away, eyes snapping open abruptly. "Do you--are you, I mean..." 

"I just want to hold you, tonight. Enjoy just holding you in my arms. Touch you, kiss you, hold you. Nothing more. I'm...I don't think I'm ready to make love yet, Chief." 

Blair smiled at him, relief shining in his eyes. "Thank you," he whispered. "I want you...badly." He smiled when Jim's eyes automatically dropped to his crotch. "Hard to hide it, isn't it? But much as I want you...we need a chance to get used to each other, I think." 

Jim nodded as he released Blair; watched the younger man head for the kitchen. 'And unlike you, I haven't been with another man, except that one time. Do you have any idea of how scared I am, Chief?' "You're right about that." He frowned as Blair began opening cabinets. "Whatcha need?" 

Blair shook his head. "Just a glass of water. What'd you do, rearrange things?" 

The older man made a face. "Sharon did. I never got around to switching them back. Cupboard next to the stove." 

"Thanks, man. Geez, what was she doing? This is *not* a user- friendly kitchen anymore." 

Jim grinned at the expression on Blair's face. "So, rearrange it this weekend. Do whatever you want to--this is your place too, now." 

Blair gave him a look over his glass that spoke volumes and Jim didn't even need to focus his hearing to detect the increase in heart rate that statement had brought. 

"C'mon, Chief. Bed. These old bones just don't go as far as they used to before needing rest." 

A snort from behind him clued him to Blair's view on his age. "You're *not* old, man." 

"I'm heading for fifty, babe. If that doesn't qualify as old I don't know what would." 

"Check with me when you're pushing eighty, and we'll talk about sympathy then. Until then..." Blair set his glass in the sink and advanced on his lover, eyebrows wiggling in a parody of lechery. 

Jim threw him an amused glance then headed up the stair, flicking lights off as he went. "Coming?" 

"Yeah." But Blair remained on the bottom step, surveying the room for a moment. He felt Jim behind him and leaned back, knowing instinctively that the older man was there to catch him. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Nothing. Just--glad to be home again." 

"It's good to have you home again." Jim tugged gently on one arm. "C'mon, let's go to bed." 

Blair turned and followed him up the stairs.   
  


* * *

Something woke him--the feel of another body next to his after so long? Not even *just* a body...one with a decidedly masculine feel to it...hard muscles, firm planes, hairy chest and legs. An intoxicating scent of spice and musk, layered gently over scents of shampoo and soap, and traces of Chinese from dinner. Jim rolled over, groaning quietly when he saw the digital numbers flashing 3:22 a.m. Ugh. *No* one should wake up that early. On the other hand, he reconsidered as Blair moved closer, seeking the source of heat, not a bad thing to wake up *to*. He skimmed a hand down the familiar, yet unfamiliar, body, reveling in the feel of Blair's skin beneath his fingertips. 

How many times had he made love to Sharon, closing his eyes and picturing in his mind this man in her place? How many times had he caressed and touched, dreaming of these hands touching him back? Thrust into her warmth, envisioning another hot, tight passage...very unlike a woman's, but just as welcoming? He shook his head as he propped himself up on an elbow, the tip of his index finger gently tracing the outline of the most sensuous lips he'd ever seen--or kissed. 

Yet he held back--why? Was it just the passage of time, and needing to familiarize himself again? No, not really. Well, there was that...but that wasn't the underlying issue here. He was scared. Of what? He hadn't been feeling this way, until... 

Until Blair told him he'd had another male lover. 

Now he was scared...afraid of suffering by comparison. 'What's with you, Ellison? Jesus, man, he came back to you! What more do you want?' Reassurance. Without it he wouldn't feel like he could make love to Blair...but he wasn't going to *get* it without making love to Blair. It was a harsh, double-edged sword...and he was teetering, barely balanced on the sharp edge. 

"Jim? What's wrong, babe?" A sleep-husky voice whispered to him. He stroked his finger over those lips again, feeling the soft exhalation of breath at the gesture. 

"Nothing, Chief. Just not used to sleeping with anyone, I guess. Go back to sleep." 

Blair rolled over onto his side, eyes gazing into Jim's. The smokey-blue irises were still cloudy with sleep, but shone nonetheless, drawing Jim into their depths. 'I could drown in here...and never care...' It was a strange thought, frightening and exhilarating at the same time. It would be so easy to allow himself to be absorbed into this man...to try and absorb him in turn. 

"No..." his lover breathed at last, the moist warm air flowing across his lips. "Something's bothering you. What is it?" 

"I don't know..." 'I'm too afraid to tell you...you might laugh.' 

"You do know--c'mon, lover, what's wrong?" 

"That's what's wrong--" Jim blurted out before he could stop the words. 

In the moonlit shadows of the room he could see Blair frown. "What 'that'?" 

"'Lover'," Jim replied, voice shaky. "We're not...and I don't know..." 

Blair moved instinctively closer, his arms wrapping around the larger man. "Do you want to?" he asked very softly, knowing Jim would hear him. He almost missed the tentative nod, it was so faint, as were the words that followed it; 

"I'm...scared..." 

"You don't need to be, babe--I'm here for you. I'll guide you, like I always have..." The tones were soft, soothing; so were the caresses the Blair stroked across the tense back. He carefully pulled Jim closer, rocking their bodies together, moving slowly. "I love you, Jim...I want you...only you, no other...we belong to each other, we're meant for each other..." Over and over, repeating the litany, hands smoothing and kneading, offering love and reassurance. 

The reassurance Jim needed and had been unable to ask for. 

He rolled slightly, pulling Blair on top of him, holding the younger man steady against his larger body. A look of longing was visible in Blair's eyes, a look Jim felt himself responding to. He raised his head slightly at the same time he pushed down on his lover's, pressing against the back of his neck, guiding the inviting mouth to his. 

They shared their fear and desire with one another, transmitting it in soft nips and nibbles, caresses of tongue against tongue. Hands touched, petting and stroking, finding hot spots along each body. Blair finally pressed his to the bed on either side of Jim's head, anchoring himself solidly before diving back in for another taste of Jim. 

Jim's hands smoothed down his back then, following the curve of his ass, feeling the muscles tense and flex under his fingers. The skin was soft, satiny smooth...a fine dusting of tiny hairs brushed against the sensitive pads of Jim's fingers as he drew them back and forth across the delicious globes. Blair groaned into his mouth at the touch, and Jim spidered his fingers, stroking as much of the area as he could manage, cupping and kneading as he went. 

Blair raised his head from Jim's mouth, staring into hot eyes that still mirrored uncertainty. He licked up Jim's jawbone to the ear that was tempting him, shivering with delight from Jim's hands on him. "I love you," he whispered before rimming Jim's ear, then sucking on the lobe. "Want you..." he continued, spreading tiny kisses down the side of the muscled neck; "need you," gentle suction followed the kisses, and Jim arched into his touch. 

"Yes, baby..." he hissed through his teeth as Blair nibbled at the sensitive skin below his ear. 

"Make love to me, Jim...We belong together, joined as one...I want to feel you inside me, throbbing, thrusting, searing me with your heat..." Blair whispered the words, punctuating them with licks and nips, pausing to suck at the skin. 

"God, Blair...I want you so bad...I don't know if I can--" 

"Yes, you can," the smaller man interrupted. "If you want to, if you want *me*, you can. You did before," he nibbled at Jim's collar bone, feeling the shivering of the man beneath him increase. 

"That's...not...ah, yeah!...what I mean..." Jim tipped his head back, freeing his neck to Blair's ministrations. 

"What then, lover. Tell me." Blair pulled back slightly and Jim gripped his ass tightly to keep him from moving too far away. 

"I..." 

"What, babe?" 

"I don't want to disappoint you. Suffer by comparison." 

"With *who*?" even as he asked the question, the answer dawned. "With Randy?" 

A nod of his head was all Jim was able to manage. 

Blair shook his own. "Jim...baby...you're not going to suffer-- there's no comparison. And you're not going to disappoint me...I *love* you. I *need* you. I *want* you. And I can prove it..." Blair thrust his body hard against Jim's, forcing their hard cocks into alignment with each other. 

"Ahh! Oh, yeah, Blair..." 

The younger man leaned down again to whisper fiercely in Jim's ear, "Feel that? That's for you--'cause I want you, 'cause I love what you're doing to me...how you're making me feel. I want you to fill me up, Jim--fill me up and fuck me. Make me *know* I'm yours. Mark me, brand me...whatever it takes. Make *you* know I'm yours. Pound me until I come, screaming your name." 

"Oh, my god, yes..." Jim forced Blair's head down, seizing his mouth in a burning, hungry kiss that demanded an answer. He rolled his lover over, resting himself above him, body moving against Blair's, stroking, feeling Blair's response in the non-stop shift and play of muscles and skin beneath his. 

Words became inconsequential and unnecessary as Blair guided and directed Jim, touching and being touched, both worshiping the other with their hands, mouths and bodies. 

Jim slid down his lover's body, enjoying the drag of hair against his sensitive skin. His fingers found and teased the flat nubs of Blair's nipples, stimulating them into hard, aching points which he roused further with his tongue, licking and sucking until the little buds were swollen and standing at stiff attention. Blair's moans of encouragement urged him down further, teasing and tasting. He darted his tongue into the shadowy navel that beckoned to him, delighting in the salty taste of Blair he found there. He explored the tiny recess thoroughly, until Blair's fingers were tugging at his head as he wriggled beneath him. 

"God, Jim...don't tease me...don't leave me hangin' here, man..." 

"Mmm...you taste so good...don't wanna stop..." 

"Just a little lower, babe," Blair's voice was shaky and rough, thick with desire, and Jim shivered as it flowed over him. "Please, I'm beggin' here, Jim..." 

"Keep beggin', baby, I'll get there in time..." Jim moved lower though, his face coming to rest over Blair's cock. He breathed across the swollen, weeping tip, feeling Blair shudder beneath him. "Like that?" he asked as he drew the tip of his tongue across the leaking head, tasting and savoring the bite of the fluid he found there. 

"Yeah...oh, yeah..." Blair arched up to meet his mouth, groaning when Jim took him in, drawing on him, tongue circling the sensitive head. "God, yes, Jim..." Hips began moving, almost involuntarily, as Blair was swept into the tempest created by Jim's mouth. He gasped incoherently when Jim reached on hand down to play with his balls, rolling them in his hand, squeezing gently. 

Jim felt a sudden rush of heat to the engorged organ and it swelled further in his mouth, as Blair shouted what sounded like his name, thrusting into his mouth. He gagged slightly as the tip of Blair's cock hit the back of his throat, then the organ jerked in his mouth, releasing several spurts of hot, creamy fluid. Jim swallowed convulsively, tongue running up and down the shaft, trying to get every bit of Blair's seed he could. 

Blair lay back on bed, gasping, chest heaving in an effort to drag air into his lungs. "Wow..." he managed, weakly. "That was incredible..." 

"Mmmm. *You* were incredible." Jim moved back up to Blair, closed his mouth over the younger man's. They shared a gentle kiss, then Jim backed off from Blair, thrusting slightly against his lover. "I need...you." 

"How do you want me?" Blair reached a hand out to touch the straining cock, now nearly purple with unreleased need. He eased a thumb over the leaking crown, then moved to place a kiss on it. Jim groaned and pushed him away. 

"I'll come if you do that...and I want to come inside you." Jim considered his lover--eyes dark, hair wild and disarrayed, lips swollen from kisses. "I want you on your back--I want to see you when I come into you." 

Blair shivered, shifting back onto his back again. "Do you have any lube?" 'Deja vu,' he thought with some amusement. 'Except this time we made it to the bed *first*.' 

Jim nodded, groping in the night-table drawer. Blair arched an eyebrow but didn't ask what it was doing there. Jim offered the information anyway. "I use it sometimes to--jerk off. Works better than spit." He withdrew a small bottle of baby oil. Blair smiled. Deja vu indeed! 

"One finger," he whispered as Jim lubed his hand. "It's been a while for me, too," he added as he leaned back, shivering at the touch of slick fingers moving over his genitals, down the cleft between his cheeks. One finger probed, circling his opening, teasing him. He breathed out, willing his muscles to relax. A soft, wet touch at his breast startled him and he opened his eyes to see Jim lapping gently at his nipple. "Ohhhh..." he breathed, dual sensations washing over him. 

The finger continued to rub against the little pucker, then Jim pulled it away and dribbled more oil down the shadowy crease. It was rubbed in, the finger probing again, this time pushing against the muscle. "Yesss..." Blair hissed as Jim pressed in, the finger sliding inside him. "Oh, *man*..." he arched his back, pushing his nipple against Jim's mouth, trying to push the finger further into his body. 

It was removed and two were oiled, then slid back in. Blair welcomed them, opening his legs, offering himself. Jim twisted and pushed the fingers, opening Blair, watching in awe as his lover pushed against his hand, fucking himself. He felt his cock twitch and throb and pulled his hand away. 

Blair whimpered with the loss, then moaned when he felt the swollen head of Jim's cock pressing against him. "Tell me if I hurt you..." Jim managed, as he pushed forward. 

"Oh, god..." 

Jim slid fully inside, Blair's body opening around him, welcoming him in. He throbbed inside the tight passage, holding still to relish the sensation. A low moan from his lover brought him from his mini-zone-out and he began to move; at first just rocking gently, allowing Blair to adjust to him. Then, as the younger man's hips began moving in a counter rhythm he picked up speed, pumping himself into the willing body beneath him. He leaned down to kiss Blair, plunging his tongue into the warmth of his mouth, mimicking what he was doing with his cock, thrusting as deeply as he could. He felt movement against his stomach and pulled away to watch Blair stroking himself, building speed along with their motions. 

"That's it baby...you gonna make yourself come for me?" At Blair's wordless nod he continued, "I want to watch you, Blair. Watch you come as I pump you full of my cream..." His eyes narrowed as Blair tightened his grip on his straining cock. 

"Harder, Jim...fuck me harder...give it to me, don't hold back--I want it..." The smaller man was shoving his body up to meet Jim's thrusts, then pushing against his own hand, working himself. 

"Gonna give it to you baby...give you all you can take...take me in, Blair...that's it...oh, god, you're so beautiful...yeah, oh, yeah, baby...that's it...let it go..." 

"Jii-i-i-i-immm! Uhhhhhhhohhhh, yeah! Ah! Yes! Yes! Yesssssss!" Blair grasped himself tightly as his body spasmed, hot sticky fluid coating his hand, cock and chest. He continued pumping himself, milking himself, panting. 

Jim felt his orgasm boiling up from nowhere, slamming into him as Blair's body tightened around him from. He screamed, "BLAAAAAAAIR!" as he slid over the edge, long hot pulses of cream erupting from him, filling Blair. Blackness swam at the edge of his vision and he pushed himself over to his side; the last thing he heard was Blair's gasp as they separated before darkness covered him.   
  


* * *

"Jim?" the voice was anxious and seemed so far away. He tried for it, frustration filling him as he missed again. 

"JIM!" It was more insistent this time and lent him the strength necessary to return from the quiet dark place he'd been drifting in. 

"Oh!" Blair pulled back slightly in shock when clear blue eyes popped open. "Ohmigod. Man, you just scared me out of ten years! What the hell *happened*?" 

He felt a smug smile curving his lips. "Haven't you ever had sex so good, so intense, that you passed out?" 

Blair shook his head. "I don't think so, man. I'd remember that. I've never had anyone *do* it to me either, until now. God, Jim!" 

"I'm sorry, babe. Didn't mean to..." He drew the younger man down to him, lips seeking. "Mmm...you taste so good..." He closed his eyes to savor the taste, kissed Blair again. 

"Jim--" 

"Yeah?" He opened his eyes. "What?" 

"Are you okay?" 

"Yeah." 

"With everything?" 

"Yeah. Oh, yeah." Jim smiled and curved an arm around Blair, drawing him down to him. "Welcome home, Chief."   
  


* * *

Five years later... 

"Happy anniversary, babe," the voice, rough with passion and love woke him, and Blair didn't need a clock to know what time it was. 

Jim did this every year. At 3:22a.m. in the morning on May sixth he would wake Blair up and make love to him until they were both too tired, too sated to do anything but lie there in a boneless heap. 

"Happy anniversary to you, lover," he replied sleepily, winding his arms around Jim's neck, drawing him close. "I love you." 

"I love you, too. Mmmmm..." Jim nuzzled the warm body in his arms, breathing the well-known, much loved scent. 

They lost themselves in the passion; time and familiarity hadn't dimmed their desire for one another one bit, rather the reverse actually--it seemed to Blair that the longer they were together the more they wanted and needed each other. 

Jim coaxed and cajoled him, hands running over his body, urging him to full arousal. Blair moaned beneath him, turning onto his stomach, presenting his lover with what he was seeking, drawing his knees up under him. A slick finger found its way inside, followed by a second. It wasn't *necessary* to do this any longer--hadn't been for a long time--but both loved this aspect of foreplay, touching and loving each other using all means available. 

"Oh!" Blair gasped in surprise as the hard, hot cock pushed its way into him--he'd been so lost in his thoughts, body responding without his input. 

"Love you," Jim grunted as he pressed his face into Blair's neck, nipping at the soft skin under the long hair. 

"Mmm...love you...want you...need you...yesyesyesyesyes...oh, yeah..." Blair chanted as Jim pumped slowly into him. 

The rhythm took them, pulsing and speeding through their bodies, searing them with its heat. They danced together, two bodies combined into one, the oldest dance known to man--to men. Passions spiraled, spiking sharply as tension rose to unbearable heights, urging them onward. Blair shouted into the pillow, crying Jim's name as he came, crying out again as Jim thrust hard into him, his cry mingling with Blair's as he released his seed into his lover. 

Then it was over and they were snuggling into one another, still loathe to allow much time or space between them. 

Even now, after five years together, Simon still called them 'newlyweds', teasing them about their eagerness to be together. 

And it was so true. They rushed home from work to be together, even on the days they worked together at the station. Time spent apart was something to be tolerated, but not sought out. All Jim had to do would be smile at Blair and the younger man's insides would flop over at the look of love, longing and tenderness in his lover's eyes. They were feelings reciprocated to a factor of ten. 

He smiled at the ceiling as Jim's breathing evened and deepened as the older man eased into slumber again. He still wasn't sure how Jim managed to wake up without waking *him* up--until he was ready for Blair to be awake. Five years now and he hadn't figured it out. Well, he still had several decades to work on it. 

It had been an interesting five years--particularly the first one--as they continued to readjust to each other and to themselves as well. It took a lot of compromise at first for them to re-establish a comfort zone, one that included physical intimacy. As he had said to Jim, for a long time the relationship had been all in their heads. A real one took a lot more work. And they still had to work at it. Most days were easy, some days were tough. The separation they'd had to endure--and that was the *only* word for it, Blair reflected--when Jim had to attend a police conference in Los Angeles had been hard on both. Seven long days of being parted...only six months after they'd come together again. They hadn't been able to work around that--Simon was adamant that Jim go, and Blair couldn't take off from school as it was the last week of classes before finals. 

'We managed though,' Blair thought, stroking Jim's chest softly, feeling the solid beat of his heart beneath his hand. 'We didn't let the other out of our sight for a week *after* that, but we managed.' 

The ghosts were conquered now--had been for a couple of years. Neither one questioned any longer 'what if'...it had ceased to be important. They'd come out three years ago, when the state of Washington legalized marriage between members of the same sex. There were a few who'd known, of course--Simon, Brown, Ryf, Naomi, Jim's brother. Only a handful of people--they didn't feel the need to advertise their private life. A lot more people found out of course when Jim and Blair stood up in front of a Justice of the Peace and declared themselves to one another. 'Not that that made a difference...we were already declared to each other. But this made if official.' They'd caught some shit from some members of the police force...Blair had had his tires slashed at the University once...the loft was vandalized once while they were on vacation. But eventually people left them alone when they saw it didn't matter--Jim and Blair were in love with each other, and the world be damned. 

Blair's eyes gleamed in the darkness as he looked at Jim. His lover--his mate--had made Lieutenant last year, a very important step up on the ladder, one they'd been afraid for a while might be denied him, however 'legally' it might be done. But clear heads still prevailed in some places, and Jim had been recognized for the good cop he was and the good work he did--not for who he slept with, or was married to. 

And his own little surprise... Blair hugged himself closely, nearly wiggling with excitement. He couldn't wait to tell Jim in the morning. He'd made full, tenured professor, effective for this term. Something he'd been waiting a long time for, and like Jim's promotion, had been secretly afraid that someone would find a way to pass over him. 

Eyes still shining from happiness, Blair curled over onto his side, draping his cooling body over the heated form next to him. Jim shifted and made room for him--even asleep he was attuned to his Guide--and Blair snuggled into the crook between shoulder and side. 

"I love you," he whispered to the sleeping form. "Always, forever, until the end of time, through all of history."   
  


* * *

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